Real men do cry: why it’s okay not to be okay

When discussing men’s health, our focus typically centres on organic diseases that men may be genetically predisposed to, or conditions specific to the male anatomy. However, you might be surprised to learn that the biggest killer of men under 50 is not testicular or prostate cancer – it’s ourselves.

The Crisis of Male Mental Health 

Men’s mental health is a major health crisis facing the UK. The statistics paint a bleak picture; suicide is the number one killer of men in the UK under 50.

On average, a heart-wrenching 109 people die by suicide every week in England and Wales, and a staggering three-quarters of those deaths are men. While these statistics are essential for understanding the scale of the problem, it’s important to recognise that behind the figures lie the lives of fathers, sons, friends, and brothers. These are real people, and a stark reminder of the need to address the mental health crisis that is claiming the lives of those we love. 

Despite the clear scale of the crisis, studies report that men experience internalised stigma associated with mental illness, with participants citing feelings of fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt around the subject. The consequence of this is that men tend not to seek the help they need. For example, men account for only 36% of referrals to NHS talking therapies.

We must take the time to understand the issues surrounding men’s mental health, including the societal and cultural roots of the problem, to create a culture of empathy, support and open dialogue.

The Stigma of Men’s Mental Health 

The issues surrounding male mental health are systemic, complex and stem from various cultural and societal factors, not least a prevailing culture of toxic masculinity. From a young age, boys are often rewarded for “being brave” in emotionally difficult situations, such as hurting themselves in the playground or when receiving an injection at the doctor’s surgery. These sentiments are generally well-intentioned and motivated by the desire to comfort and provide reassurance, but they socialise boys into repressing and hiding their emotions at a crucial stage of their development. This can have serious consequences for the ability of men to articulate and express their emotions in a healthy way as an adult.

This trend continues in adulthood, with people telling others to “man up”, “pull themselves together”, and even “grow a pair” when men express emotion. These words have a deep psychological impact on men’s emotional wellness and yet society perpetuates this culture of bottling up emotions. Men often feel compelled to conform to these outdated expectations of stoicism and emotional suppression, fearing that deviating from them may be perceived as weak or less masculine. This is evident when we look at male-dominated social environments such as sports and certain places of work.

A study conducted by Wood et al. in 2017 found a clear intolerance for mental illness among the “macho culture” of professional footballers, who confessed to feeling the need to hide their struggles due to shame and fear of rejection. Similarly, in manual occupations, such as construction, men are fearful of being perceived as weak by their colleagues and avoid disclosure of their mental illness to avoid stigmatisation. A review by Mckenzie et al in 2022 found a workplace culture of “not being sick” was associated with masculinity, which subsequently made men feel that to safeguard their careers, they need to hide their mental illnesses from employers and not take necessary time off. 

The fact is that men do experience sadness, anxiety and depression, and real men do cry. Crying is a healthy emotional response to difficult situations, which should be normalised and embraced. It’s time we rethought our culturally conditioned approach to men crying. 

Is It Okay for Men to Cry?

Psychologists have established that emotional crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, more commonly known as endorphins. These are effectively the brain’s feel-good chemicals that can help ease the physical and emotional pain caused by a situation.

Numerous studies show that keeping your feelings “bottled up” as a repressive coping mechanism can lead to poor physical and mental health. The effects can include a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and mental health conditions.

This repressive coping mechanism creates a psychological double-bind where it is not only difficult for men to go through emotional pain, but the act of emotional expression is itself deeply painful. 

However, the issue is not merely in the difficulties men experience articulating emotional pain, but the negative emotions they use as a coping mechanism. A significant body of clinical evidence suggests that men feel more comfortable expressing hostile emotions in response to emotional trauma, such as anger and aggression. 

Men often feel unable to express feelings that display vulnerability and openness, which may be perceived as weakness. This form of “masculine” emotional expression is damaging and has fundamental implications on their relationships with friends, loved ones, and romantic partners. The consequential breakdown of these relationships can have a further impact on men’s mental well-being, causing them to experience a sense of loneliness and feelings of depression.

These behaviour patterns are deeply ingrained and something that men are socialised into. Things won’t change overnight, and there is no quick fix. The situation requires a cultural paradigm shift to deliver the kind of change needed.

However, we can all do our bit to help change the narrative. Every time we say things like “don’t cry” and “just suck it up”, we are reinforcing a culture of toxic masculinity that needs to be challenged. Letting people know that it’s okay to feel that way and that opening up will be met with warmth, compassion, and understanding is crucial to creating a more positive conversation about male mental health. 

So, What Now?

It’s time for action. It’s time to confront toxic masculinity.

We must teach our boys that it’s okay to cry and discourage them from bottling up their emotions. We must be kinder to one another. We all experience feelings of sadness and anxiety, and it’s okay to open up about them, and recognise that feeling this way does not make you any less of a man.

Reach out to the men in your life, check in on their well-being, and let them know it’s okay to talk about their feelings. Advocate for changes in workplace culture that prioritise mental health, and support organisations and initiatives that aim to break down the stigma surrounding men’s mental health.